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make it last...

19th May, 2005. 2:36 pm. fresh air is good

omg i can't believe i just typed omg- but anyways. i have had such a productive day. i wok up at 5:30am took the lamb for a walk, went to the gym, stopped over a friends (all smelly), went to the market, came home, ate breakfast, went to the farm market and bought all these flowers, came home, planted everything, peat mossed everything and just got a magnificient shower... i am so nice and clean and my backyard and front stoop look like it should be in Better Homes. I could take a picture and show you guys- but yea, well... i'm slow with the whole picture taking thing and then i would have to figure out how to add it to this site- i grew up in the early 80's i taught myself how to use a computer, so ugh yea.. thats my excuse. JENA, why can't you live closer so you could teach me the ins/outs of this fat pc?
so now my face is all red and i smell good and i'm going to go eat a salad and chill.
last night toni made some barbeque meat that rocked- melissa, toni and i chowed at the arabia compound.
the litlle birds in my yard are so loving the new flowers- i swear i'm manic!

Current mood: happy.

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18th May, 2005. 8:13 am. cracked up morning

i am just now realizing that my life is pretty boring- no drama and boring. cuppa espresso, go to the gym, take the lamb for a walk, plant some flowers, go for a bike ride, make a fat salad for dinner and then me and stella artois chill on the deck until the sun goes dowm. damn typical boring day at the shore. glad it's nice out now - it was no fun staying indoors this winter.

Current mood: awake.

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6th May, 2005. 6:46 am. stripped bare

after two painful days of powerwashing my deck and fence are now stripped of their previous stain and ready for me to paint new stain on them. oh my god...my hands are still vibrating from the power of that thing. I didn't know what i was in for, but now that its done i feel a great satisfaction that i actually had the patience to do it and no-one got hurt.

next week promises to be extra nice outdoors - yippee!

i'm feeling so strange lately- i'm up i'm down i don't know what the hell is going on. then it seems i don't feel anything underneath the surface. it scares me to some degree, i'm so cold. it makes it difficult to let others be close or for me to get close to them. i always figure i'm right where i'm supposed to be at this present time and that normally works- it's working but i am getting a little alarmed at my recent inability to feel anything but frustration and anger. looking at it from an objective viewpoint i would say i'm hurt - but hurt about what? who hurt me? i can't see anyone hurting me. expirence has taught me that when i'm angry or frustrated i'm really hurt or scared and i hide behind anger.

yea- so i'm off to the spa mother's day this weekend, proms, what else? i treated my mama and i to manicures/pedicures and a facial for the holiday- she was thrilled.

off to spa-land.

Current mood: relaxed.

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1st May, 2005. 6:46 am. what i am to you is not real

i love the rain and so does my little backyard full of grass. i feel like a nut- yesterday i came home from a very long two days of work, put on my cleats and started tromping around distributing grass seed and weed feader in the rain in the backyard. must have grass!

yea so, i hate my hair- going to cut it shorter- i feel like i look like a house wife- so far from the truth!

today is gay day in philly- it should be fun lesbians and queens all wet... hmm... don't know how i feel about that.

i thought my career would be thoughtless- or somehwat less taunting to the brain- i'm a thinker. however, the brain will find any way to think. people's bodies are starting to become more real to me- thats the only adjective i can find for the way i feel about it. starting to notice them or become more aware of the body that i'm working on and connecting it to the person. before i would just see bodies- damn that sounds funny- but really just bodies so it was easy to work on them now it's a little different. oh well- everything always changes- maybe i should start smoking pot then i won't care what the hell i'm doing.

off to the spa.

Current mood: restless.

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30th April, 2005. 8:53 pm. brrrr...

ok- it's fecking cold brrr... cold and the wind is blowing off of the ocean atleast 50miles an hour- wicked night.

i never have anything exciting to write about latley- so i guess i'll go for now.

Current mood: groggy.

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25th April, 2005. 9:52 pm. sleepy tired

i'm sleepy- so i should just go to bed. instead i'll ramble.
the weekend went- i worked and stayed out way too late saturday night. i never thought bowling and then more importantly people watch after bowling would be so much fun. sad that i stayed out until 2am doing this saturday night. my forearm kills- i gave 3 deep tissue massages today -i can't even move my arm.
damn i'm complaning. i'm getting up late tommorow and going to the gym. tommorow is a pretty open day minus two appointments- then hanging out with one of my peeps melissa. can't wait to just veg.

going to sleep now my eyes are so sleepy

Current mood: tired.

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23rd April, 2005. 6:30 am. i think i see clearly now...

the rain is gone- yippee!!

not too much exciting going on down here at the beach. my butt hurts. i think it's because i think i'm 25 yrs. old and i squeeze my butt while lifting too many weights. i'll lift less next week. yea, and i have all this soy milk because i was making protein shakes like mad over the winter- i'm trying to cut back on them- i feel like the michilin man- they are supposed to be "meal replacements" i drink them like snacks. these are my problems... sad.

tonite i'm meeting my friend booster for dinner and a movie mid-way- she lives in N.Brunswick and me in Ventnor- so we are meeting in Brick. She wants to see Fever Pitch, I usually sleep thru movies so this should be good given the fact that i slept like 3 hrs. last nite. sometimes i sleep alot, sometimes not so much- where is the balance?

i was thinking about putting a pond in my backyard, with a small garden. then i thought it thru. Lucky already goes after the cat that stalks the birds that eat the bird food... i can only envision what carp in a pond would do for their amusement. somebody is going to get eaten!

off to the spa - today should be full of seaweed wraps, sweet old ladies, and tough guys who can't stand the pain of my elbow and beg for me to lighten up... music to my ears!

Current mood: optimistic.

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19th April, 2005. 8:33 am. mornings

ok - it's so nice outside i can't even believe it! I got up at 5:30am and took a long walk with my dalmatian dog lucky lambchop. the ocean was crazy awake and so were alot of other people. i guess everyone knew it was going to be gorgeous out this am. so i'm procrastinating- not going to the gym. it's my day off. i'll get there just give me a minute.
Yesterday I felt still alseep all day. i went to the spa very early got out at 12:30pm , came home, went for a walk with lambchop, did some other stuff then crashed for 2 hrs. then i went to give a massage until 6:30pm. came home and toni bolognie called me wanting to have dinner.toni ordered wings & salad from take-out outback and i got a turkey sub from around the corner. we munched on our vittles and chatted about how she is in love and what is going on in the world of nancy dru. i watched the last three episodes of the L-Word and left feeling very accomplished and wanting a strap on. i think i took my allergy medicine twice yesterday, thats why i was so tired. or maybe it was the long weekend... too many chocolate martinis. saturday afternoon-evening was one of those nites where i vaguely remember what i was doing other than sitting on my deck, chatting with my peeps and drinking martinis. however, a load of laundry got done, chicken was barbequed and the glasses were cleaned... so hmmm... i guess i did all that while chillin. i normally am able to do only one thing at a time.
today is such a great day- i'm going to the gym now- than getting a massage at 1pm, then a pedicure and relaxing the rest of the day in this dreamy weather. maybe i'll plant some flowers.

Current mood: thankful.

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15th April, 2005. 2:45 pm. it aint easy...

yea ok- so today was the first day of getting out of the spa at two o'clock... but not before my last appointment. I normally am not affected by people that i massage- i notice how tall they are, their weight, if they took a steam etc... but am not attached to it. ok- my last appointment was this dude that had to be atleast 450lbs. which was fine... but than we get in my room and i run off my list of contrandications- any burns, cuts, surgeries... well the minute the door shuts he opens his robe and shows me where he had this mother of a hernia removed 3 months ago. big fat belt type looking thing covering it up- ok- that wasn't what i had the problem with- the issue is- WHY do people feel the need to just open up their robes and show me their ugly ass personal stuff? i don't get it- i didn't want to see his scrotum- so i just looked at him dead in the eyes- but i was thinking... what the fuck?
so then i gave him a massage- which went fine. it just made me want to wash my hands like 110 times!!!

its windy as all craziness down here, had to bring my american flag indoors. now i'm going to go out and play with lucky lambchop the fantastic dalmatian dog.

Current mood: sleepy.

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12th April, 2005. 11:32 am. landscapers gone wild

yea, so the only thing that is of any real interest to me is the fact that the landscapers are out in full force- blowing, weeding, cutting, trimming, making lots of noise. Why can't we just let everything grow- though I confess I love the smell of fresh cut grass intermingled with the ocean's faint scent. The big fat tulips are popping their heads up along with the lavender and lemon grass or whatever that is out front on either side of my stoop. oh... yes, monumental... i hung my super american flag outside today- it hasn't been hung since JFK jr. died. dunno why. maybe because i spoke to my mama last week and she reminds me that our family is not the Kennedy's minus the bad luck- she is not Unice Kennedy Shriver. She acts like it- I can't help it- always asking me what am i doing to help those less fortunate- i'm like what am i mother freaking teresa? shit. I am grateful to be of use though- so thats a good thing- yea, ok whatever.
I sent my little application to Kripalu, thats the yoga school/ashram i visit. the application is to be part of their seva program for the month of february 2006. that's where you go and serve- you like cut veggies, clean rooms, rake the grounds, cook, do whatever they need you to do. maybe they will actually put me to real use and use me as a therapist. work is slow in february so i thought it would be cool to go for an entire month then. if I get accepted i'm going to practice this meditation/chanting. complete silence for four weeks. we shall see. i think it would be fun and very challenging.
so yea, not really anything going on. i am determined to figure out how to operate my digital camera asap. my batteries i bought didn't hold a charge so i have to get me some new ones.
my friend toni met a new girly... so she's not up my ass 24/7. however, another very good friend of mine is going thru some craziness with her g.friend so i have been chillin with her quite a bit. Another friend from last year is totally back in the picture- her and her g.friend and i all didn't work so well. i can be very protective and her g.friend totally lied about something and my friend didn't believe that i wasn't the one lying... ugh dyke drama. if anyone knows me they know i don't lie. so... anyways after like 6 months she realized that it wasn't me that lied and now wants to be my friend. i'm like whatever- life's too short just don't do it again. and oh... i haven't talked, emailed or had any contact with my cracked up, VP, getting pregnant ex g.friend from 3 yrs. ago. whew... St. Paddy's Day was the last I spoke to her. i love her- but I don't need the constant struggle of when, how, where shall we spend time together. i'm over it.
yea... so other than that. business is picking up- everybody's bodies all busted up from just getting back to the gym, so thats good for me. still eating like a hungry man, working out like a fiend and the barbecue has been officially uncovered. i have a mad obsession with grilling and drinking beer on my deck in the summer- such a diesel.

Current mood: happy.

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